Transcript from first unofficial press secretary interaction with the press.
Reporter: “Why as the press secretary of the white house are you clearing the air about the size of the-”
Sean Spicer immediately interrupts the man.
Sean Spicer: “Because this is about… The truth. It’s not like I would be out here spreading “alternative facts” to the world. I am setting the records straight about the president. And I really, really couldn’t wait till tomorrow to start my new job. Look how much fun this is. Back to what we were talking about, the size of Mr. Trump’s penis.”
The reporter’s look around confused.
Sean Spicer: “It was a very cold morning, and everyone knows when it is cold, the size of a man’s phallus shrinks considerably….. An now I know you all must be asking yourselves, why didn’t it get bigger as the day got warmer?”
Reporters look confused and are shaking their heads no.
Sean Spicer: “Well that’s because of the the pubes, the pubes make the penis seem much smaller than it really is. This was the first time in the nation’s history, that pube coverings have been used to protect a president’s crotch.”
Reporter 2: Are you talking about the crowd size? Because the numbers obviously show that obama’s was bigger than Trum…”
Sean Spicer: “That is an absolute falsehood!, there is no way for the size to have even been measured, as the department that is in charge of measuring all phallus size objects was not even measuring that day. B..B.Because they were all at the huge inauguration obviously.”
Reporter 3: “What if they just look the same size because Mr. trump has tiny hands?”
Sean stares at the reporter with fire on his eyes.
Sean Spicer: “I swear to god we will drone you all.”